bigger steps, bigger fall.

sometimes, you get to this point. were you just kinda wanna give up then again you dont because you think your gonna be a "failure". well after all the shit weve been thru and all youve out me thru, i would rather be a big fat FAIL than a hotmess runnin around lookin like i havent slept in 10 days. there are just some things that are out of your control sometimes. sometimes, for the better. sometimes, for the absolute worse. but on the bright side, youll be a better person from it. i mean yeah theres the whole my hearts broken stage. and the i cant go on anymore stage, and my personal favorite the "imma kill that nigga" stage. buh how long do you think its gonna last? as long as YOU let it go on. people break up, have a bad falling out, and then move on. and the one who caused the pain is usually the one saying "I MADE A MISTAKE IM SORRY." yeah thats the famous line that i love to hear because guess what, your showing yourself that YOU WERE WRONG. and oh it gives sooooo much pleasure. buh at the end of the day you have to be able to brush it off with a smile on your face. because guess what? while your living life, there still thinking about it and repeating "what if" in there heads. and when you finally find someone who will treat you right, its gonna eat them up, and oh let me tell you that is the best part. because your finally happy, and they cant STAND IT.

just remember, with every waste of time, there is always someone thats gonna come along, pick up the pieces, and make it all better again. :)

mistakes and broken promises

im not your average girl--i get into trouble, ive never listened, i say what i feel needs to be said, im loud, clumsy, i have a big personality, and i dont give a shit about most things. so when your trying to change who i am to make yourself feel better ; let me tell you my friend your attempts are being smashed by your own incompetent actions, and your some what attempts to have some kind of control when in all kinds of reality, you have none. so trying to change how ive been every since i was born looks like to me, somekind of act to make it seem like your in charge, when your really not. you have no power. you are not some kind of "god". you are just another person who has something special brought into there life. you were blessed, if that what you want to call it,. so let me give you some advice you might want to follow (shit who knows maybe it will help), you cannot control everything that come and goes in your domain. because one, its not yours. two, you sound like a complete idiot when you try and make it so there is somekind of "stableness" here (believe me, there NONE so stop trying). three, sir you are not someone who can tell me what to do. it just doesnt work like that.

have been given / because what was just given to you is your opportunity to really stand up and do something with your life other than make shit worse and make everyone mad and resent you because ill they've done is put there shit aside and help

so there is something to think about my friend,

btw, your welcome

you need to focus on what you

LOL smiley face.

its amazing how things can go so up and down. i mean it seems like one thing makes you happy, then when you think of something it changes. i cant help to think about the past buh who doesnt? i mean come on, you cant get not think about it. some people dont and some people do. its not our fault, it just happens. buh as much as i think about the past, i cant help buh think how everything turned out now. yeah there are some "what ifs" and "buts", buh at the end of the day, i wouldnt change anything. and thats all reality right there. yes there are some people i would love and die to have back in my life, or be alive again. buh who knows, maybe it was made to be this way for a reason. as i ponder what was, im happy that i can see myself now and smile. truth is, sometimes the smile is fake still. i cant help buh think that i could of been somewhere totally different. if i woulda stayed where i was, would i ever have my two bestfriends back? if i woulda left washington, would i have the people in my life i do now? and if i woulda ended regretting half of the things i did/do, would i be the person i am today? i know the answers to all of these, buh sometimes i just like to think about it and wonder. i can honestly say, im glad with the choices ive made and all i am very proud of.

for one, i wouldnt have my friends back

i wouldnt have such a great guy around

and i wouldnt be happy, or at least some kind of happy that i am now

everything happens for a reason. its just the cycle of of this thing we like to call life.

no one understands it, no one probably never will

but at the end of the day, thats ohk. maybe were not meant to find out

and i dont plan to. i just plan to keep moving forward and hopefully the happiness will come to along the way.

you aint backin down&i aint backin down so wthell do we do now?

It starts with total silence. Then the words come, then the screaming starts, then eventually the sickness gets to you both and eats you alive. You don't know why it happens it just does. And to see two people you love like sisters go thru it, tragic. With everyone close to me at war, it makes me sit back and think to myself, why? While the fighting continues, it consumes Ýou. Ýou say your sick of it, yet it keeps coming and coming and coming till you get to a point where you can either jump; or keep fighting with whatever,whoever,whenever. Its painful, it hurts you, and it effects everyone and everything around you. I see it and I'm going thru it right now. We don't understand why, we probably never will. It just happens. For me, no I don't know why I'm pushing you away sooo much. I know its killer and I know it hurts. Buh frankly, I don't care. Yeah yeah it sounds bad and yeah yeah I should, buh I can't even front about it. I just don't care. I don't give a dayum, I feel nooo guilty-ness, and I keep mocing forward. You on the other hand have to live with it everyday. And I'm sorry for that. I'm not gonna keep repeating the fact that I'm sorry and I did you wrong, buh sometimes maybe I have to for you to get it. I'm sorry. I mean that's about it.

your just to much;;its just to much

when you cant handle anything anymore. when you wanna just say fuck it and leave. when you know youve hurt the person again and again because you love someone else, it just turns into habbit. you cant help it. you cant. its not on purpose. buh at the same time its not on accident. it just...happens. i didnt mean to get you caught up with me. my problems. my issue after issue. it was never my intention to let you fall so deep when im just fighting with my mind and heart if i should even take the risk and jump. so yes im just watching you fall. i cant help it. heartbreaker. not my intention, buh it is what it is to a point. buh what you have to understand, is that this is my life. my life is all over the place, has many problems, and yes i cant handle it sometimes. buh i make it thru. whether i want to or not. and no you cant help, you cant make everything better. doesnt matter "what i really deserve" or not. it just is. thank you for your concern, trying to help, and lack of accomplishment. buh i gotta keep moving whether you are there or not. its to much, its never gonna get better. maybe just maybe oneday, buh right now, it wont. i will get worse and you will fall and hit alot harder than you thought you would. remember was never my intention, you just got caught up in my world. and if i were you ;; i would pull the parashoot before its to late..

The EX Factor.

You wanna bugg out when you hear his name. And you wanna bugg out when he's brought up. You say your not jealous when you really are. And why you can't just admit it is sad. Yeah he did me dayum dirty, and he and I both know that. Yes we fight and argue and fight some more, buh were still cool and keep everything to a level where were still chill no matter the situation or complication. You wanna push and push and push buh I don't push back for good reason and for a reason I shouldn't have to explain. Your I'm sorrys mean nothing, your I love yous don't wanna hear them. You can't just let it go. I can't let it go because the ex factor has something tht belongs to me. And yes I'm trying my best to get it back, yes I'm trying buh its a process. No you can't help and no you can't make the pain go away. This is a me myself and I mission. If your not on board, get the hell off.

Formspring.me

WOW

people really have the need to talk about peoples families on here?

talking about someones mother ; father ; brother ; sister?

who gives you the right? yes, formspring is the perfect place for people to talk all the shit that they want to and not have to second think anything about it. and no, you cant even get mad. but to go and talk about someones fuckin family on there? there are some L O W people. are you really that insecure about yourself that you have to go and talk about how people look, there weight, there F A M I L Y, how they act and wht they do?

oen thing i dont understand, is why?

i signed up on formspring for my own little expermient, and i got everything i was expecting.

people talking about my size, how much i weigh, things from my past and people from my past, and worst of all, my family. ive seen people talk about peoples UNBORN CHILDEREN. now tell me thats right? tell me thats ohk cause its "formspring"? hell no. it made me realize that people that are behind a computer screen, really feel some kind of power. you will most likely never find out who they are, and if you do, then what? this just made me realize this is a OPEN oppertunity to speak your mind. most people like me, just brush it off and laugh. i dont give a fuck bout what anyone has to say about me. i know whats going on in my life and whos in it and where im at.

so why would you care so much? buh for people who dont have that i really could care less attitude, your breaking them. formspring at your own risk. buh my experiments over. good luck everyone on formspring, cause im OUTTIE

They Call Her Madusa.

it happened wayyyyy to fast. this whole you and me thing. yeah, we've known eachother for ever and a day. but what YOU have to undertand, is that im not the little girl that you used to play in the sandbox with. im not the same girl as i was at the age of 5,6,&7 years of age. ive done alot of growing and exploring. and what ive found out is that im not a heart pleaser. im a super tease, and once i see something i want, ill sink my claws into it and hang on for as long as i can. i didnt mean to tease and flirt my way back into your life, and i know that you didnt want it to happen that way ither. it just happened. and what i cant seem to figure out, is do you really have love for me? or do you LOVE the fact that you have someone. thats where the comfusion comes in for me ;; because you seem SO perfect. and im not used to that. your someone i dont have to worry about 24/7, your someone who can take care of me for once and for me to take care of you is out of the question. but at the ned of the day my thing is, ima big girl ;; baby i can save myself im not saying i dont like it cause for once it feels good not to have to be up a tnight worrying about whats happening and whats going on. i just have that feeling that your to perfect, and i HAVE to findout if there are any flaws in you. its like a never ending mission for me, but its something i have to accept and just say "hey, maybe you have finally found someone who is just flawless...?" one things for sure, ima stay in the single stage until i can find something out for myself, and for when it comes to you and me.

BYE BYE DADDY

so why do you keep putting my family thru this pain?
you have a 14 year old boy who looks up to you, a women who wants to give you the world plus more, and a 18 year old girl that love you and considers you as a father. or did at least. i dont understand. how could this addiction be sooooooooooooooo much more important than a "family". we have given you everything we possibly can or could. we have offered you help. we have gone on long exausting getting our hopes up drives to the slums of washington and back searching for you praying that we would see you walking ont he street or sleeping in a church just to know that you were ohk. i dont understand it. and probably never will. but until the day i do, i dont need this. neither does my mother or my little brother for that matter. you have come and made my mother mad as hell/broke down, my little brother bitter toward any man that may come in and fix things in our family, and you have left me with my hopes up and just not giving a fuck about anything of the such. you once told me "you can do anything you want to do. all you have to do is keep going". so why cant you take your own advice? why cant you just let us help you? i know that my mother is not superwomen, sista soulja, or no rosa barks. but she is someone who has open arms, a open heart, and an open mind trying to fix what you have torn up.

so when the day comes that YOU figure out who YOU really are, i hopw shit works for you.
until then, i will remain with my i dont give a fuck attitude, because i will NOT make the mistake of letting another "MAN" come into my life, and walking back out

have a nice fucking day

IT FEELS SO GOOOOOD TO BE BACKKKKKK :)

A LOT of shit has come & gone in my life the last year and then some. I lost what i thought was the love of my life, to gain back my importance and balance that made my life off course and out of control. i feel like a much stronger person being able to be better and better as the seconds,minutes,hours,days,&weeks pass me by. I almost feel complete again. Like i can start fresh. And that feeling always feels good. Along with 2010 rolling into town, i hsve come across some new friends and some old ones who were willing to give second chances with semi open arms. With the doubts i knwo they still have, i am greatful that they have come back into my life. For the new friends, i am more greatful because they are helping me get thru the tough times when it comes to that certain someone who took everything and ran. Its all a lesson. And i have learned it and now i am moved on because i realize that fighting for something that isnt going to fight for you, is like daddy eating all of y shoes and feeling sick afterwards. its going to get you no where. Im at a place and state of mind where i can be more than just "alright" and for once be "better than ever" or "great". i love my family more than i love life its self. i love my puppy daddy because he reminds me of the "goodtimes" i once shared with the one that used to be my other half. I know now that it is ohk to open up and take the risk no matter how bad the fall might be, and i now understand that no one is perfect. and before you come to me and ask me what my problem is, look at yourself and ask the person who is staring at you in the mirror that. see when kind of answer you get. like said in tylers house of payne "you must READ the bible, before you can QUOTE the bible".

I am breyana, I am single, and I am happy for once in my life :)

have a good one.